I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been a nanny for most of my adult life (which in itself is laughable to anyone who knows me). Which means I have been forced to read many kid’s books, good and just plain god-awful. In a recent stint of babysitting, I found myself having to read book after book to a little one-year-old girl. She couldn’t get enough. She loved books so much that as soon as one was finished she would wail another right at you. If she keeps this up she may become an Olympic book-shot putter. Finally after ten books in a row, then having to go back through them again I realized that there are some real doozies floating around. I know toddlers can’t read but that doesn’t mean these poor kids are stupid! Two words per page and a goofy looking goose does not a book make! I’ve decided my new calling is to create an entertaining, cute book with substance even adults don’t mind reading over and over. I know there are many of those already in circulation but there’s always room for more.
You can take me home to your mother, don't worry
What doesn’t make sense about this new endeavor is that I happen to live my life with immense inappropriateness. I drink too much, lack morals, love politically incorrect jokes and curse way more than a lady like me should. I started getting detentions in middle school for cursing at anyone that pissed me off, my parents were so proud. I also don’t exactly have the outer presence of a nurturer at first glance. Though, I say ‘fuck you’ to those who stereotype! (I’m really a nice person, promise). But I figure, Bob Saget was able to pull off the wholesome, neat-freak, overly-huggy daddy role on Full House all while suppressing his true comedic filthiness, so why can’t I do the same? I’m pretty sure that the majority of us only found out the depths of Bob Saget’s depravity around the time of the 2005 film The Aristocrats and by then we all found it amusing and conversation worthy.
I’m gonna fucking do it and it’s going to be awesome! Updates to come.
But first here are some already rejected titles for my first book:
- My Favorite Four-Letter-Words!
- How Many Beer Cans Do You See?
- Field Trip to Happy Hour!
- Don’t Go in That Drawer!
- Punk Rock Sing-A-Long! and
- It’s Only Noon. Shhhh, Go Back to Sleep!
-xo!
SimonAndRoni 