I spent my Easter like any good non-practicing Roman Catholic by drinking too much and belting out some rocking 80’s hits at karaoke. I figured if I was with my family I would have over indulged just the same, so why not? It seemed that many others had the same idea of not visiting mom, and the wackos all found me and my friends. Creepy dudes don’t normally just appear at your Aunt Norma’s dinner table… and I’m not counting weird Uncle Rob, but they do when you’re at a bar.
The first creep appeared out of thin air at the bar my two friends and I were relaxing at during the afternoon. We get together to have Sunday Fundays where we have some drinks and play games. The three of us were playing cards when this dude just decided to join our table. He was this lanky, scummy looking dude with a dire need of advanced orthodontia. I wasn’t sure if I should feed him carrots or get him a bone to gnaw on. I’m told he was also quite pungent, a fact I learned later which led me to immediately thank my not-so-up-to-snuff nasal capacities. Creepo #1, of course, sat right next to me and kept waiting for an opening in the conversation to tell me things I didn’t care about. I learned he was at the park earlier that day (maybe pulling a carriage full of tourists?) before he came to the bar. I responded with the least amount of interest I could conjure as well as avoiding all eye contact all while getting my ass kicked in gin, ‘that’s nice’. After many other similar exchanges, he still wouldn’t get the hint. Luckily though, he became intimidated by the new presence of a guy friend and he left.
Creepo #2 was actually a little more like Crazy-Whack-Job #1. We encountered him on the subway on our way to the karaoke bar. The four of us were just standing around and talking like normal people do when this dude began screaming ‘SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!’ Of course we stopped in horror because someone was screaming, at this point I had no idea it was directed at us. (He could have been yelling at the voices in his head for all I know). Then he continued, ‘you guys are so rude! My girl and I were sittin’ here minding our own business when you walk on acting like fools’. Now, I personally didn’t see him with anyone else. AND if we’re going to start talking about making noise, you could hear the music coming from his headphones over everything else. I’m not sure how he heard anything. He stood up and moved by the door, but it didn’t stop there. Crazy-Whack-Job #1 kept on yelling at the top of his lungs about how rude we were because we were talking. Really dude? Because we shut up since we couldn’t hear ourselves over your own obnoxious-ness. Here were some of the gems he spewed at us.
- ‘I can’t hear myself think with all your rude talking!’ (Are you sure it’s not that horrendous music?)
- ‘As soon as you came on I knew you kids would be trouble.’ (Kids? I’m pretty sure I was older than him.)
- ‘You know, you can spend all the money in the world on college but it won’t teach you how to act.’ (I’m glad that by judging us he was judging himself.)
He screamed at us the whole rest of the way. By this time the whole train was quiet, mostly because there was no choice but to listen to him. He ended up making an ass out of himself all the way to his stop. Luckily, he got off one stop before us. There were two older men who were also sitting in the cross-fire and saw the whole thing. One of them turned to me said, ‘he likes to hear himself talk, doesn’t he?’ I laughed and we discussed our shared baffle-ment in the whole situation. We got to our stop and he wished me a happy Easter with a big goofy smile on his face. (I love cute little old guys!)
Lastly, creepo #3 was actually multiple people in the form of a cosplay group. No, cosplay people don’t dress up in Cosby sweaters and eat hoagies. But cosplayers do dress up in all kinds of costumes and live in an anime fantasy world. They were having a private party at the karaoke bar, funky outfits and all. They were in a separate room but needed to come into the main bar to use the bathroom, where they decided to start hanging out with us. Besides the five of us poured into a cubbyhole in the back of the bar, there were about 4 others occupying the whole bar. There was plenty of room for them to congregate elsewhere. But the cosplay dudes chose to stand right next to us, in our little nook. I guess they figured we weren’t dressed up enough and needed guys dressed as japanese school girls with rabbit ears and really tall girl scouts. We didn’t though.
I’m not saying that my friends and I look/are so cool that people just want to be near us. I’m saying that something about me reads ‘freak magnet’. I’d really like to find whatever it is and get it removed, surgically if I have to. I don’t care how painful it is. I’m toying with the idea of becoming a shut-in just so the only freak I have to deal with is myself.